My sister and brother are 8 and 10 years
younger than I am. Until I left for college, I was more of a parent to them than a sibling; I had a hand in raising them (chew with your mouth closed! save your allowance! wear sunscreen!) and loved it. And after baby-sitting my way through junior high and high school, I kind of feel like I've been through it.Yesssss, I know "it's different when you have your own." But ever since I realized there was a choice, I just didn't want my own.
Thank goodness we're in a time and I live in a culture where this is a very valid decision. Still, I can't believe it when I'm on a date or talking to a guy my age and reveal my choice to be childless and this look of horror, this judgmental aghastness, comes over them. Hello, this is a completely different decision for a man than a woman. If I could be the dad, I'd probably be in. But until a child is crying in a restaurant and everyone glares at daddy, until women are making the same cashmoney allowing men to stay home, until a 7-pound human can push out of a penis, I'm out. And I definitely roll my eyes everytime a guy says he would be pregnant if he could. Riiiiight. Let me tell you, after a decade of contraception, it's hard to suddenly hope you don't menstruate. Just sayin'.
I don't hate children (I do however, have a strong distaste for obnoxious parents). On the contrary, the older I get, the more I like them and the more they seem to like me. I'm
nothing less than obsessed with my nephew August, and I start campaigning for godmother the second one of my friends gets pregnant or married.Besides the satisfaction at being an aunt, my personal reasons for not wanting my own children include: pregnancy and childbirth sounds like absolutely no fun to me - I prefer my self-elected pain in the form of marathon running; the prevalence of divorce in my world and not wanting to put kids through that or ever be a single mom; not at all being drawn to the identity of "mom"; not needing to be a catalyst for anyone's therapy; my hobbies include going to the theater and discovering the kinds of restaurants & bars that don't have playrooms; my dislike for stepping on Fisher-Price products. Have you ever tried to run with a baby jogger?! It's no walk in the park (ahem).
That said, I'm 30, my biological clock might blow up any day. So my tubes are intact, I understand that things can always change. But I imagine I'd favor adoption and I think I'd be a kickass foster mom.
It angers me when people ignorantly claim it's selfish not to have (biological) children. What could be more selfish than needing to see what you look like as a little one then living vicariously through it for at least 18 years? These people usually recoil at the idea of adoption, which is the truly unselfish choice (though unfairly expensive). Of course, my own upbringing, being raised by a stepfather and loving my half-siblings wholly, very much informs this opinion. And especially being alone on the East Coast, my family is Tina, Nicolle, and my other friends who are there for me on a daily basis. Family is what you make it.
Other interesting child-free reasons out there include:
Consider yourself an environmentalist? The best thing you can do is not bring another polluter in the world. Yes, I agree, this would be an extreme singular reason not to have children, but it's a reasonable answer to the notion that it's "selfish" to not have children.
Money, money, money. It costs something like 350K to raise a child. I'd rather sponsor a few, take my nephew to the zoo, and then take a two-week (child-free) vacation.
Does this mean that as Mayoress, I won't support families with children? Hardly. My job will be to represent my constituency, not my personal situation.
(Although it seems more fair to me that I should get tax deductions for not putting another person in the public school system, not the other way around.)
In conclusion, please use a blanket when breast-feeding in public.
Posts
Hey Ciara,
ReplyDeleteI felt a strong need to comment on this subject. I too am childless by choice. I actually knew at a fairly young age I did not want children. The only time I feel a slight - and I mean slight - urge is when I hear a story on adopting children from third world countries.
I wish more people understood this decision. My SIL has a friend who on MANY occassions has commented "oh I bet there are times you wish you had a family." Umm, I DO have a family, aside from blood relatives I have numerous friends. Or another favorite "oh I didn't have my child until I was in my 30s so it could still happen for you." Ummm, I do not want it to happen to me. Needless to say, I avoid this woman like the plague.
BTW - nice to "see" you again on FB.
It's interesting to read about your perspective on having children. I don't understand why people would be opposed to others not having children. It doesn't make sense. Maybe they're just trying to justify their own choices by pressuring others to do the same.
ReplyDeleteI have a 6 month old daughter, after a 2 year battle with infertility. She was born to a gestational surrogate in India (meaning she's genetically mine but someone else had her). I chose this over adoption because I didn't want to run the risk of having a birth mother back out after I paid a lot of money and waited for several months or years.
Mary - thanks so much for adding those points, I identify with both. It's that whole "doesn't everyone want what I want?" principle - but I'm just as guilty as the next.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - thanks for your story... I can't imagine many more things more heartbreaking than wanting a child and struggling to get one when it seems easy for others. Sigh, like so many things in life...
Just wanted to applaud you on yet another insightful, well-argued post. As you know, having five younger sisters I have no illusions about the amount of work it takes to raise a child, the money and mindset necessary to be a good provider, and the physical repurcussions endured when deciding to give birth. It amazes me that some men can be so quick to offer up abortion when fatherhood doesn't suit them, then act horrified when a woman they want to date seriously doesn't want to help them justify their existence with a mini-me.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm always amazed and touched when I see loving, selfless women who truly enjoy the responsibilty of being a mother. It's difficult, thankless, and practically ensures increased episodes of talking to oneself. And I feel lucky to have the opportunity to reject that choice, as she embraces it.